Wade Wilson!

Come in, come in! Mai maison est tu maison!
Oh, doth his reputation not precede him? Fucking kids these days. Pool, comma, Dead; at your humble service — if you've got the money, anyway — but call him Wade Wilson, por favor.

[[ Please, ignore the cancer pus in the mask. Along with the other bodily fluids. ]]

{{ Yeah! And the fact his dad used to beat him! }}

Shush. Take a seat, and your pal, Wadey Winston Wilson, is gonna complain about a thing in a moderately thought-out way accompanied by flashy visuals and—

Woah, woah, woah. Full-stop.

Where the FUCK are the PICTURES!?

{{ Up your ass and around the bend. }}

[[ Indie web Wiki database thing. It was on the papers.]]

A sphincter says who—?
Don't any of you peons understand the integrity and art and tormented souls and numerous retcons that go into comics!? What about the poor saps who haven't experienced Wade's testicular tumor glory firsthand!? This is repulsive!
Like— why the hell's he yappin' about himself in third-person, like some omnipresent, narrating prick? Also, he can fucking swear! That's the only pro of this Geocities wannabe, actually. Thanks for that.

Whatever! Wade can work with the chit-chat. He's called the Merc with a Mouth for a reason, and he'll be damned if he doesn't live up to the title.

Well, Wade's the best there is in the 'biz at what he does — slicing, dicing, extortion, borrowing, blackmail, potpourri; pick your poison (literally, in some cases) — and greatly enjoys the thrill, escapism, control, and violence of it all.
It's also satisfying seeing people get pissy when they realize Wade's the better merc in the end — eat shit, Tasky — but that's just a bonus.
The whole healing factor thing's a big help, if you ignore all of the trauma and side-effects that came with it! But, really, who cares?

[[ Uh, you? ]]

{{ The plush unicorn sure as hell was more than a side-effect. }}

[[ Don't bring up the damn unicorn. That was horrific. ]]

Any-whosies, Wade's sick and tired of this whole thing.
Sure, sinking himself into violence until he couldn't distinguish himself from the viscera of casualty after casualty seemed like a fantastic idea when he dragged himself from the smoldering rubble of the Weapon X Program fuck-knows how long ago, but he feels… stagnant now. Like he's destined to fit in the role of a lunatic with a gun for eternity, and be nothing more.

{{ …Say that again? }}

[[ You're not a lunatic with a gun. You'd never only bring one gun with you. ]]

Even after Wade's numerous attempts of self-help and paths to righteousness, which seemed to just tease the edge of being free from this filthy cycle and into being somewhat redeemable — BAM! — he's right back where he started, in Weasel's shit-hole of a bar while nursing a Blowjob and getting a Gold Card. Fuck him, by the way. He'll never be any better than a worthless, yapping merc.
They say history repeats itself, but this— it's so fucking stupid! What joke is there to crack, when only joke's him! And he hates being the butt of jokes! No pun intended...

It's like he's hit a ceiling, and he can't possibly go any further. The only way is a long way down.
There's always something that makes Wade snap, like muscles pulled too taut. All of a sudden, the familiar metallic stench of blood melts into crimson kevlar and his head's all scrambled looking for purchase on a reality that doesn't fuckin' exist and he's waking up in a dingy bathtub in a safe-house and he can't remember what happened and it repeats again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

[[ You're never gonna pull off the 'good person' shtick, no matter how hard you try. ]]

{{ Kind of goes against your whole edgy mercenary deal, y'know. }}

…So what in the fucking seashells is that damn childlike hope that never goes away?

Attributes

Abilities

• Regenerative healing factor
  More like an undying factor. Fucking hell.
• Superhuman stamina, speed, durability, reflexes, and agility
• Fourth wall awareness
  Wade says hi.
• Telepathy and mind control resistance
  Mind tricks don't work so well when you're completely out of yours. Wade's mind is described as 'confusing' among telepaths. However, Wade can be very naive at times.
• Chemical, drug, poison, disease, and alcohol resistance
  Say gracias to the healing factor.
• Extended longevity
• Mastery of marksmanship
• Mastery of swordsmanship
• Mastery of hand-to-hand combat
• Mastery of martial arts
• Mastery of... other fighting styles

Equipment

• Twin katanas
  Lovingly named Bea and Arthur.
• An arsenal of various weaponry
  Either on his person or stashed away in a safe-house fuck-knows-where. Somehow outweighs the Punisher's own arsenal. Mostly guns, knives, and explosives.
• Pouches
  Hammerspace.
• Teleporter belt
  A little something from friends at SHIELD! ...It's not like they were using it. Damn thing needs troubleshooting from time to time though.
• Miscellaneous equipment
  Let's see here... Suction cup thingies, grappling hook, Little Book of Grudges, SHIELD knick-knacks, web-shooters...

Notes

• Wade is expressive and emotive! Big, obivous poses and facial expressions! Over-dramatize his feelings!
• The blades of Wade's katanas are serrated near their hilts.
• Ryan Reynold's portrayal of Deadpool is NOT welcome in this household. 256B Wade is voiced by a gravelly mix of Alejandro Saab (Marvel Rivals), Michael John Casey (Deadpool: Paws audiobook), and/or Nolan North (Deadpool (2013 game), Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions...). Pick your flavor, really.
• In that same vein, Wade is buff as shit, not lanky. Also, tall. He's 6'4" (~195.07 cm) because... can't a guy have a type?

Trivia

• Wade's favorite food is... not chimichangas. It's pancakes. He prefers them drowned to death in maple syrup and topped with whipped cream. Mmm... whipped cream.
• Wade has two voices in his head. {{ This is Yellow }} and [[ This is White ]]. Yes, I internalized this from AO3 since my tweens.
• Wade's speech bubbles are yellow. They've always been yellow in Marvel-licensed media to represent a vague distinction between the rough, gravelly sound of Wade's voice compared to other characters. E256B Wade's voice is like this due to scarred and mangled vocal cords, making his voice strained, rough, and gravelly.
• Wade is extremely warm all of the time, regardless of external temperature, due to his healing factor constantly working.
• Wade's pain tolerance greatly depends on his mental state. A healthier mind results in a lower tolerance and vice versa. Hell, the guy can 'happily' endure horrendous physical and mental trauma if he's in a shitty headspace.
• Wade is Staten Island's King of Rats. Literally. The rat populace owe him favors and he's unafraid to use blackmail to get what he wants. The fucker's a tyrant! He's currently utilizing guerilla warfare against Lourde's Pigeon Lord.
• Also the King of Staten Island and legally changed the name to Islandy McIsland face via social media polls and dubious means. Threatens anyone who tries to legally change it back to Staten Island, and he is NOT all bark, no bite.