Wade Wilson!

Come in, come in! Mai maison est tu maison!
Oh, doth his reputation not precede him? Fucking kids these days. Pool, comma, Dead; at your humble service — if you've got the money, anyway — but call him Wade Winston Wilson, por favor.

[[ Please, ignore the cancer pus in the mask. Along with the other bodily fluids. ]]

{{ Yeah! And the fact his dad used to beat him! }}

SHUSH, you two. Take a seat, and your pal, Wadey Wilson, is gonna complain about a thing in a moderately thought-out way accompanied by flashy visuals and—

Woah, woah, woah. Full-stop.

Where the FUCK are the PICTURES!?

[[ Indie web Wiki database thing. It was on the papers. ]]

A sphincter says who—?
Don't any of you peons understand the integrity and art and tormented souls and numerous retcons that go into comics!? What about the poor saps who haven't experienced Wade's testicular tumor glory firsthand!? This is repulsive!
Like— why the hell's he yappin' about himself in third-person, like some omnipresent, Utau the Watcher ass prick? Also, he can fucking swear! That's the only pro of this Geocities wannabe, actually. Thanks for that.

[[ I'm pretty sure the Watcher isn't in this universe. ]]

{{ Thank fuck! We can finally jerk off without a bald guy in the peanut gallery! }}

[[ The guy's the direct opposite of a peanut gallery, dumbass. ]]

WhatEVER! Wade can work with the chit-chat. He's called the Merc with a Mouth for a reason, and he'll be damned if he doesn't live up to the title.

Well, Wade's the best there is in the 'biz at what he does — slicing, dicing, extortion, borrowing, blackmail, potpourri; pick your poison (literally, in some cases) — and greatly enjoys the thrill, escapism, control, and violence of it all.
It's also satisfying seeing people get pissy when they realize Wade's the better merc in the end — eat shit, Tasky — but that's just a bonus.
The whole healing factor thing's a big help, if you ignore all of the trauma and side-effects that came with it! But, really, who cares?

[[ Uh… you? ]]

Any-whosies, Wade's sick and tired of this whole thing.
Sure, sinking himself into violence until he couldn't distinguish himself from the viscera of casualty after casualty seemed like a fantastic idea when he first dragged himself out of the smoldering rubble of the Weapon X Program fuck-knows how long ago, but he feels… stuck now. Like he's destined to fit in the role of a lunatic with a gun for eternity and not much else.

{{ …Say that again? }}

[[ You're not a lunatic with a gun. You'd never only bring one gun with you. ]]

Even after Wade's numerous attempts of self-help and paths to righteousness, which seemed to just tease the edge of being free from this filthy cycle and into being somewhat redeemable — BAM! — he's right back where he started: in Weasel's shithole of a bar while nursing a Blowjob and getting a Gold Card. Fuck this, fuck him, and fuck you. He'll never be any better than a worthless, fugly ass, yapping killer. Every day, he seems to accidentally dig himself a little deeper into the weight of his kill count.
They say history repeats itself, but this— it's so fucking stupid! What joke is there to crack, when only joke's him! And he hates being the butt of jokes! No pun intended…

It's like he's hit a ceiling, and he can't possibly go any further. The only way out of stasis is a long way down.
There's always something that makes Wade snap, like muscles pulled too taut. All of a sudden, the familiar metallic stench of blood melts into crimson kevlar and his head's all scrambled looking for purchase on a reality that doesn't fuckin' exist and he's waking up in a dingy bathtub in a safe-house with velvet red staining the tiles behind him and he can't remember what the hell happened and it repeats again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

{{ Oh, come ON! This shit again!? How many times do we need to remind you, old man!? }}

[[ It probably doesn't work because of the whole annoying, insane, obsessive, fugly serial murderer thing who's got an unfathomably large bounty over his head. There's only so much you can change about yourself before you just look like a parody of a self-help project. ]]

…So what in the fucking seashells is that damn childlike hope that never goes away?

Attributes

Abilities

• Regenerative undying factor
  It's like a bootleg version of Wolverine's healing factor.
• Superhuman stamina, speed, durability, reflexes, and agility
• Fourth wall awareness
  No one can ever tell if this is just part of his laundry list of mental illnesses or a bit. Mostly keeps saying jokes along the lines of "chat, is this real," but this often warps into something more… sinister, one could say.
• Telepathy and mind control resistance
  Mind tricks don't work so well when you're completely out of yours.
• Chemical, drug, poison, disease, and alcohol resistance
  Say gracias to the healing factor.
• Extended longevity
• Mastery of marksmanship
• Mastery of swordsmanship
• Mastery of hand-to-hand combat
• Mastery of martial arts
• Mastery of… other fighting styles

Equipment

• Twin katanas
  Lovingly named Bea and Arthur.
• An arsenal of various weaponry
  Either on his person or stashed away in a safe-house fuck-knows-where. Somehow outweighs the Punisher's own arsenal. Mostly guns, knives, and explosives.
• Pouches
  Hammerspace.
• Teleporter belt
  A little something from friends at SHIELD! …It's not like they were using it. Damn thing needs troubleshooting from time to time though.
• Miscellaneous equipment
  Let's see here… Suction cup thingies, grappling hook, Little Book of Grudges, SHIELD knick-knacks, web-shooters…

Notes

• What even is gender? Wade's gender is… indescribable, but something along the lines of genderfluidity is accurate. Ish. The guy is mental states and vibes and cute dresses and blood and kevlar and… dogs.
• Very much into drag.
• Wade is expressive and emotive! Big, obvious poses and facial expressions! Over-dramatize his feelings!
• The blades of Wade's katanas are serrated near their hilts.
• Ryan Reynold's portrayal of Deadpool is NOT welcome in this household. 256B Wade is voiced by a gravelly mix of Alejandro Saab (Marvel Rivals), Michael John Casey (Deadpool: Paws audiobook), and/or Nolan North (Deadpool (2013 game), Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions…). Pick your flavor, really.
• In that same vein, Wade is buff as shit, not lanky. Also, tall. He's 6'4" (~195.07 cm) because… can't a guy have a type?
• Scars aren't static. They shift and move around because Wade's healing factor is always at odds with his cancer, not to mention other wounds he may have gotten.
• Has very little body hair that grow in shallow patches. Wade shaves them off (except his eyelashes) because he dislikes them.
• Eyes and teeth are yellow or yellow-ish. Up to you.
• Wade's speech bubbles are yellow. They've always been yellow in Marvel-licensed media to represent a vague distinction between the rough, gravelly sound of Wade's voice compared to other characters. E256B Wade's voice is like this due to scarred and mangled vocal cords, making his voice strained, rough, and gravelly.
• Wade has two voices in his head. {{ This is Yellow }} and [[ This is White ]]. They visually appear in boxes colored yellow and white respectively. Are they voices? Alters? Manifestations? Something more? Wade really doesn't know, but they're definitely assholes who are loud as fuck.

Trivia

• Wade's favorite food is… not chimichangas. It's pancakes. He prefers them drowned to death in maple syrup and topped with whipped cream. {{ Mmm… whipped cream. }} …But Mexican food comes at a very close second.
• Due to White and Yellow (along with other chaos in his head) along with the desperate need to talk, he thinks out loud and talks to himself. When White and Yellow are being loud, he talks even louder and faster in response until they shut up.
• Wade is extremely warm all of the time, regardless of external temperature, due to his healing factor constantly working.
• Harasses random people on the street if he's especially bored and wants to take his mind off things. The police can't do shit because they know Wade will weasel his way out of any and every prison he lands in… or he'll kill them. He mostly enjoys tormenting said officers by putting donuts on fishing poles and hanging those in front of them.
• If he doesn't harass random people, he'll probably blog. Blogging about work, random anecdotes, thoughts, rants, instigating arguments for zero reason, whatever.
• Also enjoys making up fake stories and anecdotes to anonymously post online just to garner shock and attention because haha funny.
• Wade's pain tolerance greatly depends on his mental state. A healthier mind results in a lower tolerance and vice versa. Hell, the guy can 'happily' endure horrendous physical and mental trauma if he's in a shitty enough headspace.
• Amazing chef. He's literally cooking. Let this man cook.
• Big fan of nicknames and pet names; makes them up on the spot. There's no such thing as 'too cringy' in this regard and, somehow, remembers every single one he comes up with, despite his bad memory.
• Wade is Staten Island's King of Rats. The rat populace owe him favors and he's unafraid to use blackmail to get what he wants. The fucker's a tyrant! He's currently utilizing guerilla warfare against Lourdes' Pigeon Lord.
• Also the King of Staten Island and legally changed the name to Islandy McIsland face via social media polls and dubious means. Threatens anyone who tries to legally change it back to Staten Island and he is NOT all bark, no bite.
• AWFUL at any sort of video game; always bungles what he's doing and looks like an idiot. Makes up for this with his skills in coin-op/carnival electromechanical shooters.
• Massive fan of emojis and emoticons. Uses a billion of them in every text, and this man texts often, especially to people he likes. Mostly uses kaomoji because he finds them cute. (~￣▽￣)~
• Don't ask how he and Blind Al met. All that matters is that she's here! With him!! She's got nowhere else to go and no one else to see, anyway!!! Fuck off!!!!
• Wade eats cuttlebones. Thought it was fitting.
• Has days he dubs 'Bad Pain Days(TM),' where his cancer and mental instability give him a horrendous time all around. Full-body pain with zero help from painkillers, White and Yellow being especially spiteful and mentally taxing, feeling like he crawled out of a furnace, extreme lethargy, thoughts being too loud, everything being 'too much,' the whole nine yards. Typically either takes a spa day or kills himself whenever this happens. Mostly the latter.